Ever find yourself sitting in a meeting, or perhaps at a dinner party, and realize you’re physically present but mentally miles away? You’re listening to the words, but you aren't actually with the person speaking. You're stuck inside the fortress of your own thoughts, judging, planning your next sentence, or just plain zoning out Most people skip this — try not to..
It’s a common feeling. But there’s a deeper psychological layer to this that most people completely overlook. It’s the difference between being "aware" of others and actually having a high inclusion of other in self scale score.
If you’ve ever felt like the world is happening to you rather than with you, you’ve touched on the core of this concept. It’s the measure of how much your identity is intertwined with the people around you. And honestly? It’s the secret sauce to emotional intelligence and meaningful connection.
Quick note before moving on.
What Is Inclusion of Other in Self Scale
Let’s strip away the academic jargon for a second. Also, when psychologists talk about the Inclusion of Other in Self (IOS) scale, they aren't talking about a math equation. They’re talking about the psychological "border" between you and someone else Small thing, real impact..
Think about your relationship with your best friend or your partner. When they win, you feel a genuine surge of pride. There is a part of them that feels like a part of you. When they hurt, you feel a dull ache in your chest. That’s the scale in action Worth knowing..
The Concept of Psychological Boundaries
At its simplest, the scale measures how much you incorporate the attributes, perspectives, and emotions of another person into your own sense of self.
On one end of the spectrum, you have the independent self. This is the person who maintains a very sharp line between "me" and "you.So naturally, " They are highly autonomous, very self-contained, and they don't let external emotions bleed into their own identity. This isn't inherently bad—it's just a different way of being.
On the other end, you have the interdependent self. This person has a much more porous boundary. And their identity is heavily shaped by their relationships. Their sense of "who I am" is deeply tied to "who we are.
Why It’s a Scale and Not a Binary
It’s important to realize that you aren't just "in" or "out." It’s a sliding scale. Because of that, you might have a very high inclusion of self in your spouse, but a much lower inclusion of self in your coworker. You might be highly inclusive with your family but very guarded with a stranger on the subway.
Quick note before moving on Simple, but easy to overlook..
It’s a dynamic, shifting thing that changes depending on the context and the depth of the connection.
Why It Matters / Why People Care
Why should you care about where you land on this scale? Because it dictates how you experience empathy, conflict, and even your own happiness.
When you have a high level of inclusion, you possess a natural capacity for empathy. This makes you a better partner, a more compassionate leader, and a more present friend. You don't just "understand" that someone is sad; you feel a version of that sadness. You aren't just observing the world; you are participating in it.
But, there is a flip side The details matter here..
If your inclusion of other in self is too high—if the boundaries are virtually non-existent—you run the risk of emotional contagion. This is when you lose yourself in the chaos of others. Day to day, if your partner is anxious, you become anxious. Day to day, if your friend is angry, you become angry. Suddenly, you aren't a person with your own emotional compass; you’re just a mirror reflecting everyone else's turbulence Which is the point..
Understanding where you sit on this scale helps you work through the delicate balance between being a deeply connected human being and maintaining a healthy, functional ego Easy to understand, harder to ignore..
How It Works (or How to Do It)
Since this isn't a "skill" you can learn like coding or playing the guitar, how do we actually "work" with it? Consider this: it’s about awareness and intentionality. You can't change your fundamental temperament overnight, but you can learn to manage how you interact with others.
Counterintuitive, but true.
Developing Empathic Accuracy
The first step is moving from simple sympathy to empathic accuracy. This is the ability to accurately infer the specific emotions that others are feeling Not complicated — just consistent..
To do this, you have to practice active listening. This means listening to understand, not listening to respond. That's why when you are in a conversation, try to temporarily "expand" your self-concept to include their perspective. Ask yourself: If I were standing in their shoes, with their history and their current stressors, how would this situation feel? This isn't about being a doormat; it's about expanding your mental map And that's really what it comes down to..
Setting Healthy Psychological Boundaries
This is the part most people struggle with. If you find that you are constantly drained by the people around you, your "inclusion" might be too high. You are absorbing too much.
Learning to set boundaries isn't about building a wall; it's about building a filter. You want to be able to acknowledge someone's pain without letting it become your own identity.
Here’s how that looks in practice:
- Also, Acknowledge and validate: "I can see that you're really stressed right now. Identify the source: Is this my emotion, or am I just picking up on yours? "
- Because of that, 2. Re-center: "I want to support you, but I need to stay grounded so I can actually be helpful.
The Role of Self-Complexity
There’s a concept called self-complexity that works alongside the inclusion of other. This is the idea that you have many different "roles" or "identities" (parent, professional, hobbyist, friend, athlete).
If your entire identity is wrapped up in one person (very high inclusion), and that person leaves, your entire sense of self collapses. But if you have high self-complexity, you can have a high inclusion of a partner while still maintaining a stable sense of self through your other roles. This is the "sweet spot" for mental health.
Common Mistakes / What Most People Get Wrong
I've seen people approach this concept in two very flawed ways.
First, there's the "Empathy Martyr" mistake. These are people who think that being a "good" or "deep" person means suffering alongside everyone else. But here's the truth: being a sponge for everyone's negativity doesn't help them, and it certainly doesn't help you. They think that if they don't feel the full weight of your trauma, they aren't being authentic. It just leads to burnout and resentment.
Second, there's the "Hyper-Individualist" mistake. While they might be very stable, they often end up feeling isolated. Day to day, they are so busy protecting their "self" that they never actually let anyone else in. They view emotional connection as a weakness or a loss of autonomy. Here's the thing — this is the person who prides themselves on being "unaffected" by others. They aren't living a shared life; they're living a solo performance Worth keeping that in mind..
Both extremes are actually forms of avoidance. One avoids the weight of connection, and the other avoids the responsibility of self-regulation Easy to understand, harder to ignore..
Practical Tips / What Actually Works
If you want to find a healthier balance in your inclusion of others, here is what actually moves the needle.
Practice "Perspective Taking" as a Mental Exercise
Don't wait for a crisis to try this. When you're reading a book or watching a movie, try to deeply inhabit the character's motivations. Why did they make that choice? What are they afraid of? This builds the "muscle" of inclusion without the emotional stakes of a real-life relationship And that's really what it comes down to..
Use the "Observer" Technique
When you feel yourself getting swept up in someone else's emotional storm, try to mentally step back. Imagine you are an observer watching a scene unfold. You can see the emotion, you can understand it, but you are standing on the bank of the river while the water flows past. This allows you to remain empathetic without becoming submerged.
Audit Your Relationships
Look at your closest connections. Do you feel energized by them, or do you feel like you're losing pieces of yourself to them? If a relationship requires you to completely suppress
If a relationship requires you to completely suppress your needs, values, or emotions to keep the peace, it’s a red flag that the balance has tipped too far toward inclusion at the expense of self‑maintenance.
Redefine the Terms of Engagement
Instead of thinking of inclusion as an all‑or‑nothing proposition, treat it as a negotiated contract. Ask yourself:
- What do I bring to the connection? – Identify the specific qualities, interests, or experiences you contribute, so the partnership feels reciprocal rather than one‑sided.
- What do I need to feel whole? – Pinpoint the non‑negotiable aspects of your identity (e.g., a creative hobby, a personal belief system, a professional goal) that must remain visible.
- How much emotional bandwidth can I allocate? – Set realistic limits on how often you’ll step into another’s crisis mode, and communicate those limits clearly.
When both parties articulate their contributions and requirements, the inclusion becomes a collaborative exchange rather than a surrender Small thing, real impact..
Diversify Your Identity Portfolio
High self‑complexity thrives when you nurture multiple “selves” that can buffer one another. Consider these avenues:
- Creative pursuits – Writing, painting, music, or any activity that lets you express an inner voice distinct from your relational role.
- Intellectual interests – Courses, podcasts, or clubs that stimulate curiosity and give you a sense of growth beyond the partnership.
- Physical practices – Sports, yoga, or martial arts that anchor you in the body and reinforce a separate sense of competence.
By regularly engaging these domains, you create a “safety net” of roles that can pick up the slack if a relational inclusion feels overwhelming.
Build a “Reality Check” Routine
Even the most self‑aware individuals can drift into automatic patterns. A brief, daily or weekly ritual can keep you grounded:
- Morning scan – Spend two minutes noting how you feel about the people you’ll interact with that day. Are you entering the day with openness, caution, or resistance?
- Evening debrief – Reflect on moments when you felt you were either over‑identifying or withdrawing. Ask: Did I honor my own needs while still being present for them?
- Weekly audit – Review your calendar and note the proportion of time spent in purely relational activities versus solo or growth‑oriented pursuits. Adjust the ratio if one side dominates.
These checkpoints act like a compass, reminding you whether you’re sailing toward a harmonious horizon or getting pulled into a whirlpool of excessive inclusion.
Communicate Inclusion Intentionality
Instead of assuming others know how much you’re willing to give, articulate your stance:
- State your capacity – “I’m happy to listen for an hour, but after that I need to focus on my project.”
- Invite reciprocity – “What can I do to support you, and what do you see as my biggest priority right now?”
When both sides voice their expectations, the relationship becomes a dialogue rather than a silent sacrifice.
Embrace the Dynamic Nature of Balance
Inclusion is not a static state; it ebbs and flows with life circumstances, personal growth, and the other person’s needs. Accept that the “sweet spot” will shift:
- During periods of personal stress – You may need to lower relational inclusion to protect your own wellbeing.
- When the other person is thriving – You can safely increase your emotional availability, knowing your core identity remains anchored elsewhere.
Flexibility, rather than rigidity, is the hallmark of a resilient self‑complexity.
Conclusion
Achieving a healthy equilibrium between inclusion and self‑maintenance hinges on three interwoven practices: intentional boundary setting, the cultivation of multiple identity facets, and ongoing reflective checkpoints. By treating inclusion as a negotiated, dynamic component of relationships—rather than an all‑consuming surrender—you protect your sense of self while still offering genuine connection. The result is not a life lived in isolation nor a life defined solely by others, but a richly textured existence where each role reinforces the others, fostering lasting mental health and fulfillment Still holds up..
